victim of abuse…

Generally, most don’t think it can happen to them. Even when it does, they may just be too obdurate to end the relationship. I would be the obdurate one.

It seemed to be a perfect relationship with my girlfriend but then there became things too demanding on myself. She seemed to be forcing some sort of BDSM relationship upon me that I was not comfortable with. Maybe some would think it was not at all abuse because she was the one “submitting” to me. It felt awkward being called “sir” by someone I looked at as a queen.

There became a point it just got too demanding. I said to her that there would be no abuse that would satisfy her cravings. For some reason, she often times liked verbal abuse. I have a bit of a temperament that I myself had been trying to control. Did she not understand that? My need was that she support me and help me to overcome my own temperamental tendencies. Did she not claim to be a “helper”? It just got to a point where it was too much. I was being weighed down. I had a hope that she would realize that she needed help and so I informed other people about her occasional desires for this verbal abuse. But that was the last straw.

In this regard, it seemed to be “her way or the highway”. There ought to be no breaking confidentiality in our relationship even if she was leading herself into harm. But the emotional strain of her cravings was also on me. Her problem had become my problem. There needed to be something she would take the initiative on. She needed help. I had asked another what I should do and they strongly recommended she needed a counselor. My girlfriend denied this. No need of a counselor! “Go screw yourself you patronising prick!” she told me. Perhaps I was a bit patronising being concerned for her well-being especially when she explicitly told me that she still was experiencing desires for abuse. Regardless, there was too much emotional strain on myself. Not wanting to abuse her, I myself started experiencing emotional abuse. A lack of needs on my end were not being met. The need to overcome my temperamentalness specifically. She was not letting this happen. The need to look at her as a queen that she was to me. She was not letting this happen.

So I now start a long journey as a victim of emotional abuse. It is going to be difficult because while I find myself brave enough and bold enough to admit I was a victim, I have actually become very attached to my abuser. And I cringe thinking of her as an abuser because she most certainly was not doing it intentionally. Further, I love her much and forgive her for the emotional strain she put on me because I want to see her as what she is. She is not an abuser. She is someone herself going through difficulties in her life and I became the victim to dump all of these emotions she herself was experiencing onto. I and no one else it seemed. She certainly is no abuser but that is what it eventually came to–an abusive relationship. Perhaps it is good that I still look at her in such high regard because perhaps I am on my way to overcoming my own temperament. But perhaps it is bad because the temptation is there to want to cling to my “abuser” because she had been one I had loved deeply and extraordinarily for so long.

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About newenglandsun

A student. Male. Passionate. Easily offended. Child-like wonderer. Growing in faith, messing up daily.
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